Engagement/child-centered activities
According to Michaeleen Donaldson, there should be no child-centered activities. She says you can get rid of nearly all toys, screens, and other child-related items. The child should be engaged in the adult’s world. Engagement should come from what we are doing around the house. If I’m doing the laundry, we’re all doing the laundry. If I’m doing the dishes, we’re all doing the dishes.
- No more iPad games. These only make Nora more antagonistic.
- No more Switch playing, unless we’re playing as a family.
- The TV should be a family affair, too.
The idea is that the child shouldn’t be treated like a VIP seated in the box seats. The child should feel like the catcher, in on the day-to-day hustle and bustle of the home. If we give them toys and screens we’re telling them that their help isn’t needed and that their role is to be entertained and tended to. Their role should be to help the family. They should feel like they have a family membership card.
What about child-centered food? I think the same principle applies. If you wouldn’t eat the food yourself, you shouldn’t buy it. All food should be food that everyone eats. No more processed junk! Goldfish and cereal is fine though. Meals could be made together, as a family.
Limit bossiness, maximize autonomy
We want our kids have a sense of intrinsic motivation. They should want to help because it helps the family. Forcing kids to do things directly goes against that. By bossing children around, you’re effectively saying that they don’t know what’s best and it leads to a lack of awareness and motivation. Ask once, wait, if it needs done, do it yourself. The child is allowed to say no to things. Why would they want to help if they’re treated like a VIP?
Tantrums
Each time a child throws a tantrum it is an opportunity for them to practice calming down. You have the opportunity to model that behavior.
There is very little you can do to calm a tantrum. Talking, rationalizing, etc. is just stimulating and therefore won’t help. I think it’s best to let your little one cry and offer support whether that’s through picking them up, offering help, distracting, etc. The emotional regulation techniques are not learned in the moment. They are learned when she is calm. What you shouldn’t do is bribe, scold, or make a promise of something. That is harmful and counterproductive. They will calm down on their own!
Keep quiet Go outside Use awe
Listening
If she’s not listening she’s not ready to learn.
Free range kids
Free range kids idea from Seth Godin. “It’s great you did that experiment perfectly, but how did you fail today? How did you help other people? What interesting problem did you try to solve?”
The goal
The goal of parenting should be to nurture your children and help them grow to be healthy in all aspects of the word. In addition to providing a healthy environment to learn, grow, and practice, you, ideally, give them more autonomy over time as they get more competent. You do that all while making sure they fit into the community of your home/family. Are they helpful? Kind? Do you feel connected to them? Do your kids have healthy coping mechanisms?
That’s the vision. What’s the strategy? I don’t think you can use anger or aggression toward a child in a productive way. At least not your own child. You have to use non-aggression. A calm disposition to help model how to be calm in times of stress/high emotion. No timeouts, no yelling, no scolding.
Discipline
Discipline through storytelling. Teach through play.
What does discipline mean in this context? What comes to mind is reactionary. A child makes a mistake, then discipline occurs. But maybe it could mean habit-building, like discipline in a routine or a regimented schedule. Proactive discipline? In that case, what are the four requirements for a habit to build? It has to be easy, that much I know. It also has to be clear. I’ll have to check Atomic Habits.
One specific strategy is telling not asking. Just simply tell the child the task to do, and maybe why it helps if it’s met with any resistance. “Can you let Willow in?” changes to “Let Willow in. She might be cold.” Children are allowed to say no! They should have intrinsic motivation to help the family.
Praise
Little to no praise! You can affirm an action (“You did that by yourself.”) but no “Good job” and a high five. Children will be overly focused on external validation, supposedly.
Gratitude
Okay, also, every time you pick up your child and hold them, there is one less time you’ll get to hold them. x - 1 every time. You could never possibly know x, of course. That seems sad, but it is a good way to not take those moments for granted.